It’s not all fun and games…

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If I can make one person smile or laugh a day, then my job is done.

I live by this. The world is a dark place, so I just try and make my little corner of it a little bit brighter. Sometimes, I don’t think we realise that us saying something nice, doing something nice, or even just smiling at someone can have such a massive impact on that persons day. They could be having the shittiest day, for whatever reason, but you holding the door open, smiling, offering to help lift the buggy onto the train, YOU could be the reason that person smiles that day, and THAT is a powerful thing. Did you know you had that much power?

The title of this post is because I try to fill mine, and others, days with smiles, laughter and fun, but it isn’t all fun and games, it can’t be. Every day can not be perfect. When I’m at work I try to have a giggle with my colleagues and customers, when I’m not I game, read, write, spend time with my boyfriend, friends, family, all these things I enjoy, no, enjoy isn’t strong enough, I LOVE doing these things!

But as I said, every day can not be perfect.

For me, it’s usually that time of the month when the darkness creeps and the ‘Evil Bitch’ part of my brain comes out of the box that she lives in. Her screams echo around my head making me doubt nearly everything…

You are fat and ugly…

Your boyfriend is only with you until he finds someone better, which isn’t too hard..

You are useless, there is no point you being here…

What’s the point in commenting on that Twitter post, they don’t give a shit what you think, and what you wanna say is stupid anyway…

How can you call yourself a fan of ‘Insert thing here’?
You didn’t start when everyone else did.
You haven’t completed all the games.
You haven’t read all the books/comics.
You don’t own all the things.

All the people around you just tolerate you, they don’t really like you…

If someone says something nice it’s cause they want something from you, or they are just being polite, they don’t mean it…

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the opposite of these the rest of the time, far from it! In fact, I believe most of them are true anyway, just the rest of the time the voice is barely more than a whisper and I can get on with my day, work, game etc.

I had a bad day Saturday. I had stayed up late Friday night gaming and chatting to my boyfriend. Nothing unusual there to be honest, I’m normally up till 1-2 am anyway, but I had the Saturday off work and I just didn’t feel tired so I carried on gaming till just after 3 am, so by the time I settled down to sleep it was 4 am. I woke up at 10 am and got out of bed at 11. It’s very rare I stay up that late so I put my feeling crappy and groggy down to that. Drank some coffee, didn’t feel like eating and proceeded to send a morning text to my boyfriend and then browse Twitter. I read something on Twitter that I wouldn’t normally react too, it was a typical sentence, that I’ve read and heard a hundred times before and I’ve read and heard since then with no reaction what so ever, but that time, I just got hit with what I can only describe as a wave of despair. I sat crying at my desk, sobbing as the catch on the lid on that Evil Bitch’s box sprung free and she came screaming out like a banshee wailing in the night.

And that’s where I stayed…I dunno how long for exactly, I know I managed to eat something cause I remember taking the plate downstairs afterwards and making coffee for me and my dad, but I don’t remember making it or eating it, I think it was a baguette of some sort as there was some in the kitchen on Sunday. I sealed up and labelled some boxes as I sold some old DVDs online and I packed up a box of goodies for a friend. She didn’t know it was coming and I had picked out things I thought she would liked, yet I still sat there as I was wrapping ribbon, packing and sealing up the items I had got her thinking ‘What if she doesn’t like them?’
All of this, eating, and packing up the boxes should of taking no more than what? 30 minutes? Took me about 3-4 hours from what I remember. Then I felt like I was wasting my day off, which didn’t help the low feeling. I could of been gaming, reading. On my weekend days off I usually have a little afternoon gaming session with the boyfriend as well as our usual evening one but I didn’t Saturday, I kept myself away from everyone as much as I could, I knew I wasn’t in the right mind to be around people. I managed to shower in the evening, that helped to some degree and then I ordered pizza, cause well why not?

By 9pm after shower, some pizza, chicken and ice cream I felt like I could talk again. I got back on the Playstation with my other half like a usual night. I talked about it with him a little but wanted to push myself out of it all.

Sunday, I felt a little bit brighter. I had work to go to, so that helped with focusing on something, serving, paperwork and catching up with my boss as I hadn’t worked with her for a while.

Monday was okay too.

Tuesday…Tuesday was mixed. I had a great day during the day. I spent the day with a very good friend of mine, we met through our love of Dragon Age (She spotted my hoodie one day and been friends ever since) We caught the train to town, got wet cause it decided to rain on us, had lunch, then went to the cinema to watch Wonder Woman (Which is fantastic by the way! Powerful and inspiring) then headed home, getting soaked again, and was a great day, despite the weather! Then in the evening my mood dropped again. I wasn’t sure if it was cause I had heard something disappointing, or cause I was tired, or the lid on that damn box in my head wasn’t locked like I thought it was. I enjoyed Wonder Woman so much I wanted to get her Pop Vinyl for my collection (I have quite a few Pops) Then I got hit with ‘Impostor Syndrome’
I wasn’t a fan enough to deserve it, I don’t know her history, her story arcs…
My other half, bless his long suffering soul, started to talk me out of my stupid-ness, but then I got hit with more of it. I have several Mass Effect hoodies and I sometimes feel like an impostor wearing them as I haven’t finished all of the games yet. My boyfriend was great, as he always is, I couldn’t be without him, helped me stop crying before I went to bed. But that night, and last night in fact I took a cuddly toy with me to bed for the first time since I was probably in single digits age. I did feel silly at first but then I didn’t care.

Now, well it’s Thursday and I think the box in my head has been shut and locked, for now at least. That’s all I can do I guess. She doesn’t appear every month but when she does come out to play is just cope and deal as best as I can till I can lock that damn box again.

I have heard so many lovely and sweet things from people when I felt low, you said so many beautiful words and I can not thank you enough for those kind words and encouragement. The banshee wails over them at the time, but I do read them, I do appreciate them and I re-read them again when she’s locked away to appreciate them even more. Thank you, I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I’m sorry this post is such a mishmash of things, and to be honest, it probably doesn’t even make that much sense. I know there are people out there with problems way more horrendous than mine…I know a lot of people feel that way when it comes to some things, but that doesn’t make the way we feel less valid.

It’s okay to not feel okay sometimes. It’s okay for every day to not be perfect. The world is a dark place, but maybe try and make your little part of it that little bit brighter.

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‘No matter how dark the night, morning always comes, and our journey begins anew’

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